DO I OR DON'T I ?

This entry may be a paragraph or two of mindless rambling because that is exactly what is going through my mind about this subject. Fortune tellers, card readers, psychics whatever you want to call them I am not a believer. Or am I? Many years ago a lady who read pictures, yes you brought her photos of loved ones, friends, neighbors, whoever and she told you about them and your relationship with these people. On most of those she was right or near right but I'm still waiting for the beautiful house on the water and the tall grey haired gentleman that was suppose to come along soon. I just figured I wasted my money and never tried it again until Sunday.

My daughter Kim had one of those girl parties. Make-up, a lady selling purses, food and a tarot card reader. For $20.00 you could have a stranger tell you your life story. One by one the ladies sat down at her table in my room (the party was held at my house because there was more room) plunked down their cash and spent 30 to 45 minutes having these strange cards spread out in front of them and their past present and future unfolded. I was not planning on wasting my money, I have other things I can waste money on, but as each lady came out from behind the closed door spewing amazement on how she hit the nail on the head each and every time I had to prove that she didn't know everything or everyone. I was sure these ladies only heard the general statements. You're going on a trip, money in your future or the love of your life is just around the corner.

When it was my turn I walked in with the nonbeliever look on my face and walked out with a pit in my stomach and a frown on my face. What she told me did not make me happy but it was so part of my life right now no one could have known that. I don't know how she knew this but she did and I don't know what I'm going to do with the info she gave me. But I do know this. I will never have my future, past or anything else read again because I really don't want to hear what they have to say whether it is true or false. I don't know what I believe anymore but I don't want to believe there is some stranger out there who can look at some cards or lines in my hands or leaves in the bottom of a cup and tell me my most personal secrets.

ITCH

I often wondered when it would come back again. Maybe never, maybe you are getting too old.

My entire adult life I have loved anything creative especially interior design. I even went back to school evenings at the Academy of Interior Design for several years.

From the time I got my own apartment, I always did my own decorating, painting, wall papering, sewing and I even tried tiling a backsplash once. I have refurbished my kitchen cabinets, designed my tile and wood kitchen floor and so on and so on and so on. Of course I have also been commisioned for a flat fee of zero to redo my kids houses again and again. I loved the feeling of pride and satisfaction when a project turned out better then expected. I was never afraid to try anything.

But then something happened. Age. Four years ago, the house needed MAJOR construction so the contractors not only did the construction work, we also had someone do the decorating. I picked out the colors, the tiles, the fixtures but they did all the work and everything came out beautiful. I love the way my house looks. I still had the pride in knowing I chose it all but I didn't do it and couldn't do it. So when the boredom itch came along I volunteered. I got involved deeply in the Obama campaign and after Nov. 4th 2008 I joined a community volunteer group but that is kind of lagging energy at the moment.

And then it happened. The design itch came back in a strange way. My grandson Nick who moved in with me 2 months ago for whatever reason young people do anything he decided to move back out. This really upset me because I did not think this was the right road for him to take, but he is 21 and makes his own choices.

But back to the itch. I knew to keep my mind off my problems, keeping my mind busy is the best way to go. First I started reading again. That helped a little but my mind kept straying to what once again is the spare bedroom. It has been the Michael Jordan room for about 12 years and my heart could not tear the posters from the wall or remove the red Bulls curtains until now.

I am happy to announce the itch struck again and the black and white striped wallpaper is gone. The Bulls border is down. All traces of the Champion Chicago Bulls are gone. I even got rid of my VHS tapes of every playoff and championship game they played in the 90's. My heart broke but I did it.

I ordered new bed linens and curtains. Painting the room will start Monday and I will do it. Every muscle in my body will probably ache for weeks but I suddenly feel creative and productive again. And I'm not quite so mad at Nick.

WE TRY

As a mother and a grandmother, why do we think if we really try we can solve all problems? Who do we think we are? Dr. Spock, Dr. Phil, Einstein or God? And if you happen to be one of the people we love most in this world, just come and tell us your problems and we will take care of it.

If someone pushes you down in the playground, we will clean the scrape, stop the bleeding and march right over to that bullies house and tell him and his mother off. Probably not the right thing to do but we love you and it will be better.

As a teenager that heart gets broken, let's go shopping and it will be all better. You really didn't need all those new clothes but we love you and it will be better.

We take care of the grandkids. We pay for that. We help with that all because we love you. Give, give, give. We do it out of love because we want it all to be better.

And then all of a sudden we realize it's out of our hands. We can't make it better. We have to let them get through it themselves, even though we know they may chose the wrong road.

We're told tough love is the only thing that will help even though we told ourselves we will throw ourselves across that road we don't want them to go down. Love is not enough. So we stand back and watch mistake after mistake while our hearts break a little day after day. We hope and pray that one day they realize that the love given to them and the advice they shunned is actually what will set them on the correct road after all. We just keep trying and loving. We patch up the aches in our hearts and go on and keep trying.

SHOWERS

As we all know showers are good for the body. Cleansing the dirt and grim of the day, the sweat from the sun or hard work and having hot streaming water pour down on those old aching muscles. But showers can be good or bad for the thought process.

Sometimes the stress and upset of life flows through your mind as the water flows over your body. Things you thought went down the drain long ago suddenly pop up as if it were yesterday. Memories of dearly missed loved ones cause tears to flow along with shower water.

Happy times can come just as fast. The other night standing under the hot stream just thinking about how good it felt jarred memories of other showers or lack of a shower. When my 21 year old grandsons were 10 I had a chance to send them both to Michael Jordan basketball camp. It was held at Elmhurst College and was 4 days that the boys stayed at the college, played nothing but basketball, met M.J. and learned the basics of b-ball.

As a grandma who was fanatic about Michael, I was more excited then they were. I planned on going everyday to watch and see Michael Jordan. And I did.

Of course I wanted everything perfect for them so shopping we went. New clothes, new Nikes, new sheets for their beds, pictures to have autographed etc. etc. etc.

On the magic day off we go arriving and registering and locating the dorm they would stay in for the next 3 nights. I instantly started unpacking their bags, putting their clothes in drawers and putting the new sheets on the beds, when 2 boys could not wait any longer to head to the gym. They promised they would finish with the housekeeping later. Yeah right. Off we went to find the fun.

They then had 4 days of basketball, Michael Jordan, Michael's sons Jeffery and Marcus and a wonderful memory for all of us. 2 little boys had the time of their lives.

What did this have to do with taking a shower or lack of a shower and brought these memories back to me so vividly. It was on the 4th day, walking into the gym to pick them up, with about 400 boys ages 8-18 and no parental badgering about hygiene the smell was so thick it was obvious that not one shower knob had been touched in 4 days. And not one happy and excited boy noticed or cared. The car windows were down all the way home. The grins from ear to ear and 2 happy tired boys. Thank you Michael Jordan.

APOLOGY

For those of you who have continued to read my blog on a regular basis I have to say I'm sorry for ignoring you but I have found a new love. Thanks to my grandson Nick, I am learning to play Texas Hold'em on the Internet.
As anyone who knows me knows Las Vegas is my favorite place. I keep saying it's because of the glam, the glitter but we all know it's because of the gambling. When I'm there I only play the slots because even though I know how to play poker, I'm always afraid of betting wrong or making a fool of myself so I stand and watch but never have the nerve to sit in. I watch all the hold'um games on TV, even Poker after Dark which comes on at 3 am but never could pick up the betting, when to check, when to raise and when to go "all in". So now I can practice for free. Yes I am playing for free.
Nick showed my how to sign in, what games to play and how to maneuver around the table. When it came to playing I was on my own.
MY FIRST GAME: One of the problems with free play is at times you have to wait for long periods to get in a game and when you do there are thousands of players from all over the world. OK, I decide on a game and sit and wait for 45 minutes to register. Finally I register and within a minute there are 9000 players signed up. Again you wait for another 20 minutes or so before the game begins. I was nervous counting down, 5 minutes to go. 3 minutes to go, 1 minute. Game starts. You start out with $1,500 chips. Bet, raise, fold. Lost again. Fold. Fold. All in (hurray a win). Fold, Bet. It was going so fast around the table I was getting lost. A couple of more bets. Lost, Lost, Lost. and 2 minutes after starting this game I was broke and out and I didn't know what happened.
So waiting 65 minutes with sweaty palms and racing heart I was out in 2 minutes.
Most people will say this is dumb but someone who likes to gamble even for free will practice, practice, practice until I get it right. I have played several games since then. I am figuring out how to register for different games so it doesn't take so long and I am staying in longer which means I'm starting to figure out what is happening during the game but I have a long way to go. So if as a friend you don't hear from me much don't worry that I'm dead of a heart attack in my bed. I'm just practicing Texas Hold'em for Vegas. Oh by the way My table name is ko4bucks. If you come across me at the tables, you better fold cause I'm out to win.

BEING A GRANDMOTHER

When I got a call from my 21 year old grandson Nick asking if he could come stay with me there was not a hesitation in my answer. Not only are my grandkids my heart but I always told them I would be there for them and I felt proud that he knew he could turn to me. I said "of course" hung up the phone and instantly started cleaning out the spare room. Where the hell did all that junk come from? It's such a small room.

Several hours later it hit me like a dart between the eyes, he's 21 not a child, a grown man. As an over protective grandmother I'm going to smother him to death. I can't be following him around the house, he's not a toddler who will trip and hurt himself. I can't ask who's he talking to on the phone, it's none of my business. And I can't tell him over and over again "pull your pants up", he'll wear them any way he wants. So after going over the normal house rules, pick up after yourself, here's the washer and dryer learn how to use it, and call when you are going to be late, he hung his clothes up and settled in.

Then all hell broke loose. I started to feed him. He looks like he weighs 100 lbs. soaking wet but eats like a 400lb. wrestler. I have shopped with Peapod for several years so the first week I told Nick to sit down and order what he likes. After taking out a loan and looking in the delivered bags to see chips and pop and ice cream and steaks and more chips and more steaks my comment to the Peapod guy was OMG. He asked what is happening cause has delivered to me several times and this is not the norm.

He eats and gets up from the table to look in the fridge to see what's next. He eats again. Dinner in the oven cooking is only a signal that is time for an appetizer so a sandwich or a large salad with all the added goodies and a dish of ice cream will hold him 10 minutes till I get dinner on the table. It's a sight to see.

And of course the arrow in the heart for someone who looks at food and gains 10lbs is this skinny love of my life get down on the floor and works out daily so he can start eating all over again. It's grand to be 21 but wait until he hits 40 and his eating habits stay the same. Hopefully he will be living on his own happily ever after feeding me in the style I've become accustom to.

AND HE IS ALWAYS SMILING

MOTHERS DAY

At times during the last couple of days I thought about what my blog would cover for Mothers day. There are several directions as a daughter, a mother and a grandmother of 8 that I could go. Unfortunatly due to an accident yesterday, my Baby got hit by a car. She has an injured front right leg which, at first, I did not think was broken but as time passes I am getting more concerned. It seems to be getting worse. I have talked to the on call vet last night and from what I described he did not feel it was broken either but prescribed baby aspirins and rest. If it is not better by tomorrow bring her in, he said, which of course I will do. But this sure puts a damper on Mothers Day.

First of all, like a neglectful mom, I was not home. I was out doing volunteer work, which should lessen my guilt some but every time I look at her hobbeling around here on 3 legs I feel awful. She just lays there looking at me, telling me with her eyes, "this hurts" and "where were you"?

I have tried to make her as comfortable as possible but she won't tell me what she wants. For 4 months I have been trying to teach her she can not pee in the house no matter what. Now I have spread carpeting all over the kitchen (she loves to pee on carpeting)and told her feel free to go whenever you need to. I will be glad to clean up after her. No! Now she has decided the only place to go is in the back yard which means carrying her up and down the stairs. I am feeding her by hand cause I don't want her to move too much and of course giving her more treats then she deserves.

So no matter if it's a child or a dog or whatever mothering never stops. Mothers Day or not. Enjoy the day and thank God all are healthy no matter who, child, pet, friend, or neighbor.